Brokenness... Bustedness

This is a copy of a chat I just had with one of my good friends. Something about it struck me as rather profound... I think because God was flowing through the conversation. I want to share it with you...

Please excuse it's lengthiness... but I really believe it's worth reading.

Jessica: how are you doing? korea treating you any better?
me: no
Jessica: booooo korea
me: but, i'm trying to look beyond my nose
so, things are better....
Jessica: im so jaded...korea has made me this way!!!!
me: well, living here is not easy
having that knowledge helps
Jessica: yes
its hard to remember that sometimes
that this is, once again, NOT normal
me: exactly
we forget that life... the simple act of living in a surrounding that is familiar and doable to us is...
challenging because of EXTRAORDINARY circumstances
Jessica: i hope home life isnt hard
me: it will be
Jessica: i mean, i know the transition will be
me: in different ways
Jessica: but i hope...i remember a time when my life wasnt this hard...hopefully someday ill be able to revisit that feeling for 5 minutes or so
me: yes, me too.. i had a pretty ok day today, but, at the end of the day, after most teachers had gone home... i went and saw Chang Misook teacher
she's the lady who used ot be in my row of teachers but moved to be the head disciplinarian...
Jessica: mhmm
me: she's probably the nicest lady in the entire effing school and she's the head discipline teacher
and, no matter when i see her, no matter what's going on.... she always has this warm, welcoming tender attitude about her
and, because she likes me so much, she pours this lovely attitude all over me
it's like walking into moms kitchen after she's just baked you cookies
Jessica: awwwwwwwwww
me: and, today, for no particular reason, i went up to where her office is...
Lee Kyeonghee and she were the only teachers there
she doesn't speak the greatest English, but... i don't know... maybe because she's a Korean teacher and I'm an English teacher...
we have this connection... a bond and we can communicate
it's been getting more poignant recently
and today, i just told her, in a really simple way.... that i'm 23 years old... and i'm so young
and it's hard living here without a mom or a dad to help me
and, she asked "What about Changok teacher?"
i said.... yes, for the first semester, Changok was mom
but now, she's not and, i'm ok... really.... but just sometimes it's hard
i have no idea why i felt possessed to tell her this and i felt like an idiot but i was almost crying throughout this whole conversation... barely held the tears back
i think if we could bottle this woman's compassion for other people, we could solve all of the worlds problems...
she gave me an honest to goodness hug
Jessica: awwwwww
its nice you have people to show you that kind of warmth and love
appreciate it!!! i know you do
me: i do, but, it's also one of the reasons i can't go around at my school expecting nothing from some of the people around me...
it's just learning that those certain people... those ones that are manipulative... need to be handled with care
Jessica: mhmm
and you're gonna get blindsided and dropped on your face
thats how God keeps us in check with our reliance on other people
me: but, i also think that He sometimes just blesses us
i am not very attached to this woman... i can't be
our lives are too busy and there's not enough of a common language
Jessica: and so her light breath of love is enough to stand out
me: i really think God led me up those stairs to that office because her love was a good reminder for me of how blessed i am in my current situation
Jessica: definitely
you should read my blog
i talk about that sort of kind of
some small act of love seems to carry the most meaning in the world

10 minute break in chatting while I read Jessica's blog... you should read it too!(www.jessinsokorea.blogspot.com)

me: when your book comes out, can i write a forward in it or something??
you're an amazing writer!
Jessica: sure, the forward is all yours!
haha
me: lol thanks
Jessica: ive been dealing with expectations lately
and still fighting feelings of deserving things and resenting unmet desires
and it seems as though if (i should say when) I give God the chance to make me look like a fool He always takes it...and I'm learning a lot through it
me: amen
i don't think God is looking for an opportunity for us to be foolish
just broken
Jessica: well its like i put myself in a position to fall
me: which, i truly believe is the only time we let Him get through to us
Jessica: and then i do
inevitably
and at the bottom He picks me up and dusts me off and says welcome back
me: brokenness
Jessica: bustedness
me: somehow we all hang onto that stupid pride and arrogance that says..
"Wah! Stand back, God! I've got this one covered!"
Jessica: or like "k God, thanks for the seminar training, let me try this one on my own"
me: and then we walk right into a tree
because that's how competent we are at leading our own lives
and, it's amazing to think that i'm not capable of living my own life successfully
again, arrogance, but still... i wonder how i've managed to live so long
Jessica: haha
me: because i steal my life back from God all the effing time!
Jessica: i mean, we went to college...we live on our own, we have jobs we do well at...we are completely competent
SMACK
me: this is all we talked about last night at bible study
Jessica: for me, Korea has been one big slap in the face
me: really?
because it's made you aware of all of this that much more??
Jessica: oh yeah
and im so glad it has been
i mean...how much have i learned?
how much have i experienced to tell me that the world is not as i thought it was, or even more importantly, that i am not who i thought i was!
how much has God shown me about my true self, about my war with depravity
about His faithfulness, His presence
i could go on and on ...i could write a book!
korea hit me hard, and it was just what i needed
my life will never be the same...i will never bee the same
and how fortunate to have experienced this at 22???
most people never have this opportunity to get down and dirty with their barest self
to strip away everything and to live by God's grace?
FULLY by God's grace
when i think about my time here I cant help but tear up
because i know how much God is with me now
and through His discipline I feel His love a hundredfold
I feel like a baby who is learning to walk, i feel every lesson and instruction profoundly as though i was being hit over the head
me: that' a great place to be
Jessica: and to lay prostrate on the foundation of CHrist that I always knew in my head was there but never was in full contact with is something i cant forget
though i wish for an easy life...i dont want to give this brokenness up
me: yeah
it's a rough road getting there isn't it?
Jessica: so rough
me: it's like sand paper on the skin
Jessica: i felt every layer ripping away
me: lol
i think it's so weird how we're going through almost the same thing at the same time
but with different surroundings and circumstances
God is so weird... but awesome i mean hearing this from you means so much more to me because i'm going through it too
Jessica: by different roads we have come to the same place
me: yeah
i think God wants us all to come there
again and again... this is not my first trip and not my hardest either... but, i think i'm going to be learning this lesson in different ways all throughout my life because i am so human and insist on taking my life back
but, i think that's why this second time around for me... wasn't as hard as the first
and why this first time around for you.... is so hard!
Jessica: today Yusun told me that she's scared for me to leave
and i said i was scared to leave too
and then she said, its okay, thats not today's problem
but she wants to be an English teacher now...she said she'll do it again next year if she can
me: look what you've already done
the mark you've left
there is fruit
Jessica: God is good, there is no argument about that
im happy we can go through this together :)
me: me too
hey, i want to tell you something going back a little bit
just a stupid analogy, but i'm proud of it
when i was in 6th grade, all of the 6th graders in the building (except for the really bad ones) got to go on this field trip with the 6th grade teachers for like... 2 nights and 3 days
we went to this little camp that did a bunch of dumb things with us like tell ghost stories....
well, one thing they did have us do was this little exercise about how it would be to live blind....
they blindfolded us and had us walk in this single file line around this little maze thing holding onto this rope
well, most people in my class (i remember notably Michael Hess because he was right in front of me) cheated and peeked
but i didn't
and at first as i was walking around hanging onto this dumb rope, i was pretty scared
i was afraid of falling and i was completely disoriented
but then, after a while... i was doing ok
and i became more acclimated to my surroundings and i gained more confidence
and then i ran right into a tree
like... full on
smacked my face and everything
it really hurt!
i think i had a headache for the rest of the day
Jessica: BWAAAAHAHAHA
me: yes
Jessica: oh snap
me: i'm sure if you had been looking on it would have been one of the most hilarious things you've ever seen
i don't know why i remember this so vividly, but i think i can find a parallel in my life here
i had been blind for 5 minutes and i was SURE! i had this "blindness" thing down
i think God looks at us and says....
maybe first of all BWAAAHHAHAAHAHAHA
Jessica: hahaha
me: and then... "You've been human for about 5 minutes and you think you've got this thing down????"
"HA!!"
and then HE has us walk into a tree
or you know... THE tree
Jessica: its funny because as humans we will always want to be better, be good at life, be more prepared, be proficient
its the opposite of humility and brokenness
me: yeah
it sure is